What if you walked into places and made heads turn? Perhaps you were told by different intuitive, psychic people that you were once a queen, in your prior life, in France. This could be you; you could be looked at and treated as if you’re still a queen.
It doesn’t matter if you are not the picture-perfect model. In fact, maybe as a young girl you were mercilessly teased, because of certain features that were not acceptable or within the masses’ impeccable sense of taste. Yet as a grown woman, out on your own and separate from your nuclear family, you can dramatically change, most probably to the envy and chagrin of those who you grew up with. Let the “good looking” girls turn into older and washed-out looking women--you can blossom into a woman that men absolutely crave.
In spite of average looks, you can steal men. Not that you would aspire to, naturally--they will be magnetically attracted to you. (Competing with your best girlfriend is not the idea, here.) What is the secret, you ask? Confidence. Pure, supreme confidence. Confident women are sexy--oozing sensuality out of their very bones. Even if you are more interested in sports, your sense of self-esteem and confident air will naturally arouse attraction, because who doesn’t want to be confident or near people who are? Confidence brings sexual confidence and it does not have to be a deeply hidden treasure chest that no one seems to have the key to. Yet it takes time, effort and grace to get to this wondrous state of being. And the effort can bring a lifetime of satisfaction.
Although you have probably heard it a hundred times before, positive affirmations, if you do not already believe you are the sexiest feline on earth, can in the long run, make you believe and accept that knowledge as truth--your own truth. Meditating is a good place to begin your chanting of affirmations. Using the word “I,” as for example, “I am confident,” or “I am sexy,” is the most powerful way to think. Finding yourself a quiet place to sit cross-legged on a pillow with a candle burning in front of you and repeating the words, whichever words call to you, your mind will soak those words into your whole being. Sitting as tall and straight as possible, as if a fairy is guiding you toward the heavens, teaches your body a pattern that it will remember through eternity, as long as you consciously practice it. Walk tall and feel proud of who you are.
Attitude and thankfulness also plays a large part in how others see you and treat you, influencing how you feel about yourself. Being grateful can be a vital part of your meditations, thanking whoever you believe is your spiritual contact. Ideally, spending at least ten minutes affirming who you are and ten minutes being thankful, on a daily basis can not only relax and soothe your noisy, distracting and sometimes harsh inner “voices,” you will feel more confident in yourself, as well. Taking the time to be good to yourself is amazingly healing. If you don’t begin doing that for yourself, who will? Just the act of taking care of your needs and occasional wants, can create the most confident air.
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Another frequently mentioned idea that is effective is to place notes around, where you will read them often, such as, “I am truly beautiful.” It may sound trite and boring, yet taping a love note to yourself on your bathroom mirror can work miracles. As you probably realize, your brain is your most powerful source and since thought originates from your brain and is carried out by your body, in your physical behavior and bodily responses, it is vital to begin with the most positive, most pure and highest thoughts that you can have. Try repeating, “I am content,” at a stop light and see how it affects your body. Does it make you feel more relaxed, more still, inside? The more you think these positive thoughts, the better your body is going to feel. It simply follows your train of thought, as its mirror image.
You may be taken aback by responses you receive from your friends and family, as you begin to carry yourself straighter, laugh more often or simply be more present. People tend to me “married” to their perceptions of who you are--it’s safer for them. Change is usually scary for most of us and if you can put your energy in changing into a more sensual, sexy and confident woman, your rewards will be abundant.
When dealing with friends and family, you need to be patient; let them know, without explaining to them that you have changed, feel confident about who you are now and understand that it may take time for them to revise their viewpoints about who you are. You can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself. And you are who you want to change. As a popular saying goes, “Be the change you want to see.” Be sexy, powerful, creative and fabulous! Be loving, be truthful and be giving.
Another amazing and valuable reason to be sexually confident is because confidence begets confidence--your lover will, in turn, be so turned on by your own confidence that his will soar, as well. Hearing you moan, feeling your full-lipped, tasty kisses that lead to his ear with a little tongue caressing (or lashing if your prefer), sliding your lips onto his neck while your fingers dance across his back, will have him simply dying for more. And if he’s dying for more, chances are, you will be, also. What can be sexier than your lover wanting you more badly than a holiday on the Caribbean?
What drives you wild, creates goose bumps up and down your body? Do you lose yourself when your lover teases you, for hours on end, before he actually undresses you? Do you get terrifically hot and bothered when he looks at you with his sexy eyes, that you are ready to tear off both of your clothes, faster than he can say, “Wow!” Let him know what you love, what you crave, what feels fabulous to your body. You will be deepening both of your experiences.
Surrender and be in the moment; if you are thinking about dinner, tonight, baking the eggplant or sautéing the tofu, then how can you fully experience the warm, sensual touch of his arms around you, the soft breathing on your neck, the excitement of your bodily secretions, flowing to fruition? Forget sizzling the steak, sizzle your lover’s mind with your sensuality. In fact, loving your bodily drips and trickles is one more key to having the time of your life. Do you enjoy your own bodily scents? If you do, chances are your lover will swoon over them, as well. Sharing your bodily scents, you become more intimate with your sweetheart/lover, letting him breathe in your absolute truth. This is you: how you are scented; how velvety soft your skin feels against his; how your juices mingle with his own. What could be better than that?
How do you see yourself? Do you imagine a confident, beautiful (if not outwardly, then intrinsically) sexy woman? Your own beliefs about who you are will reverberate out and tell others how you feel, influencing their own ideas about you. The more confident and self-assured you feel, the more others will shadow those feelings about you. In a way, it is similar to brainwashing: if you continue to tell yourself that you are confident and sexy, you will reach the point where it will become ingrained in your brain and your body will mirror it. You will dance when you walk; you will feel uplifted when others touch you--your hair, your shoulders, your hands--and you will invite and appreciate being touched by your lover, every part of you.
How do you dress? When you adorn yourself in torn jeans--although torn jeans can look sexy, as long as you believe you are, when you are wearing them--and a scratchy sweater, chances are, you will not be as inclined to feel feminine and approachable. Wear clothing that you adore and love the feel of, whether it’s flowing, cotton skirts and soft cotton tops or satin pants and comfortable sweaters, the idea is to be comfortable and to feel good, in clothing. Otherwise, being naked feels the best, or at least has that potential, since there isn’t any material pulling on any part of your body and your body is completely free. When your body is comfortable, it is much easier to not only express yourself, in multiple ways, you have the freedom to totally be yourself, as if you were wearing nothing at all. Imagine how you would feel wearing clouds, versus wearing a steel garbage can. You want to feel free, willowy and romantic. You want to feel engaging. Don’t you?
How do you talk? What tone of voice do you use when you speak to your lover? Do you say things to or about your lover that you may regret, later on? Do you tell him you are having a fabulous day and are doing great? Again, your attitude comes across, loud and clear, however you choose to express yourself and will come back to you, many times over.
How do you treat your lover--as you would like to be treated? Do you go out of your way to help him when he is in need, whether it is an inconvenience or a perfectly timed situation? Do you do it with love? Do you feel good about the act of giving and give often, on a daily basis, either in small or large ways?
Can you receive? When your lover thanks you for your gifts, support or kindness, and reciprocates, can you gratefully and gracefully embrace him, in return? Receiving is another kind of giving--when you appreciate gifts your lover has to offer, you are helping him to feel good, and that is another variation of giving. The good feelings circulate between both of you, and as a a minute hand on a clock, swings full circle. With love, respect and kindness richly overflowing between the two of you, you are letting the universe know this is what you want more of. This is lovemaking at its best, in its highest form.
Sexual confidence is about enjoying yourself, being present and giving to your partner and being able to receive what he is giving you (or letting him know what you do love, that he does, to get more of that). There is no ultimate way to make love, no “right” or “wrong,” you need to follow your instincts and know that everything is perfect, just the way it (and you), are. Do not pay any attention to what society believes that you are “supposed” to be like, sexually. If you want and need sex every day, then ask for it, in your life. Getting entangled into society’s mores, worrying that if you want sex on a daily basis, you are one of society’s labels (choose any), will only take your own energy away from you. Realize that whatever your sexual appetite is, that is what it is and honoring and respecting your body teaches you to follow your own truth. You cannot live someone else’s (or society’s) truth--your mind-blowing orgasms will not come that way. They will come, endlessly, as long as you are living your life in the way you need to and the way your body is meant to live. This is about your body. This is about living life with joy.
Another piece of sexual confidence is pleasing your lover. Your desire to please him is almost as exciting as the act itself! Not feeling self-conscious and giving him your absolute everything, your senses alive and paying close attention, you are enhancing your sex life with every subtle move. And where you might lack in experience, your self-confidence will take over, making him believe that you are the queen that you really are. Let yourself be uninhibited and experiment, be open to feeling extraordinary, play with your lover. You are making love by choice, so choose how you want it to feel. Choose to have an unusual time, a time that you both will never forget.
Surprise your lover and light a pathway with candles, leading to the bed. Place chocolate kisses on his pillow. Write love notes to him; paint your bodies with glow-in-the-dark paints or with scrumptious sauces and then lick them off; buy yourself some see-though lingerie (and feel great wearing it!); buy yourselves a new sex toy. Let your sense of power come through. If he is as confident as you are, you will light his fire. You are in charge of your life as you are in charge of your sexual encounters. Not enjoying a fabulous sex life can be devastating and can lead to depression and low self-esteem. You might even downplay its importance, in life, because of society’s attitude toward it. Your upbringing may influence you negatively, because the church, temple or your parents have taught you that sex is “bad” “dirty” or “naughty.” This is not natural, since sex is the most natural thing in the world. Just watch any animal species engage in it, with abandon. Touch, enjoyment and fulfillment can deliver a life to you that is whole and passionate. The receiving is yours, as long as you “ask” for it, in any multiple of ways, literally and/or figuratively. You can lose yourself if you abandon your fears about it--there is nothing to fear, only sublime experiences you can taste, feel, breathe, hear and see. Sexual confidence is a gift you give yourself and your lover.
Attitude and self-beliefs play a clear part, whether you are with your lover on the beach or out grocery shopping, stuck in traffic or in a movie theater with a crowd. The way you treat others is the way you will be treated, yourself. Luckily, it is difficult to feel badly about yourself when everyone else celebrates who you are.
If you find you need a little help in creating a positive image of yourself, there are many books on the subject and the internet is crammed with articles about sexual confidence. Sometimes it takes work to reach that most glistening star; the work you do will always benefit you.
Anything you believe and say about yourself will become a self-fulfilling and perpetuating prophecy--because that is who you are. Worrying about your weight, your skin texture or the color of your eyes will only transfer negative thoughts to your lover. If you don’t love yourself, why would anyone else love you? It begins at home, loving yourself, completely and fully. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, your lover is much more likely to be crazy about you, as well. Why wouldn’t he be? Remember: you are the hottest, the most sensual, the sexiest and the most beautiful goddess on earth. Some woman has to be. Why not you?
Copyright Ruth Suli Urman